By guest blogger Pamela Madsen, founding executive director of The American Fertility Association and author of Shameless: How I Ditched the Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure…and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner (Rodale, 2011).
I love this concept of “organic sexuality.” In fact, I recently wrote a piece in Psychology Today about my concept of the organic orgasm. It’s about slowing down, and planting the roots of our sexuality deep into rich soil that that will nurture our relationship with our partners and with ourselves. When we shift our thinking around sexuality—from being goal-orientated to something that will grow and flourish over time—the most amazing experiences will emerge, and surprise us with delicious sustainability. Now, who doesn’t want that?
I think it’s time for a new point of view when it comes to sexing—either with ourselves or with our partners. It’s time to slow down, and let go of the “How-To’s” around sexuality. It’s really not about whether you have a G-spot, or clitoral, or vaginal orgasm. It’s not about whether as a woman you are able to have an “ejaculation,” or whether your partner does. There is just too much pressure out there—and it creates anxiety and goal-oriented sex. Organic sexuality is not about running around the bases to get a home run. It is the opposite of that. It’s all about intentionally trying to slow down—opening to pleasure in all the parts of your body—and letting go of the idea that you have to get anywhere!
How do you get started? If you are with a partner, start with a conversation. Make an agreement with your lover that you are going to try on something new. You are going to let go of the idea that each of you has to have the kind of climax you usually have. Instead, you are going to explore pleasure in touch and sensation. That is the only goal. You may find that you will experience a different type of orgasm. If you lover spends a very long time nibbling your entire body, you may find yourself in such a state of pleasure that you’ll be hanging from the rafters!
You are feeling your way up from a goal. Some of us feel that if we don’t achieve orgasm in each and every sexual encounter, that we have something wrong with us. This can create a very unsexy sexual anxiety that, of course, is not going to bring anyone pleasure.
By going organic, you will be letting go of any worry or stress that can take you out of your body and into your head—and, of course, makes climaxing more difficult and less enjoyable. Anxiety about orgasm is a leading cause of erectile issues in men—the ability to relax and focus on sensation is essential for both male and female arousal.
When I talk about organic orgasms, or even dip my big toe into the world of “slow sex,” what I am inviting you to do is to simply enjoy the pleasure of touch and sexual intimacy. How playful can you be with yourself, and with your partner? What sensations have you explored lately? There are so many different types of sensations that can happen for us during sexual arousal and through the very human experience of sexual intimacy—whether we are using sex toys, vibrators, fingers, mouths, or our genitals.
I am not suggesting that you give up orgasms. I am instead inviting you to expand your pleasure and till your soil. Let it be rich—and savor it all. If we can let go of goal-oriented pleasure, what we may find is that our climaxes (orgasms) may become even more amazing, delicious, and earth shattering than ever before!
When it comes to sexuality, there are few rules outside of safe, sane, and consensual. For me, it’s about simply being shameless.