For a Minute There, I Lost Myself

I was standing in my kitchen and my teenage daughter’s music was playing on her computer. A song came on that was very familiar. Eerily familiar.

“Who sings this song?” I asked, sure that I had it on iTunes.

“Radiohead,” she said. I didn’t have it on my iTunes. Intentionally. As I stirred the soup I was making, I heard the chorus:

For a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself
For a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself
Phew, for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself

 

I debated how much to tell her. But you know me—I had to tell her.

“I don’t listen to Radiohead anymore because it was the soundtrack to one of my worst depressions.”

She looked up at me from her Kindle.

As I continued to listen to “Karma Police” by Radiohead, I mused aloud “Actually, that’s what depression is: when you lose yourself.”

She went back to reading, since we both knew I had found myself again.

But I could say this with confidence because I got out of my depressions by rigorously, painfully, and strenuously finding myself. No drugs required, thankfully. Then I thought how ironic it was that my oldest daughter, who also went through a deep Radiohead phase, coined the term “Women Finding Themselves” for my favorite genre of movie.

It’s so easy to lose yourself—in the wrong job, the wrong relationship, the wrong town, the wrong mindset, the wrong diet. Changing often involves changing your viewpoint more than your actual location, but it also takes the courage to dig deep into the pit of your soul and ask yourself, Who am I really? Who do I WANT to be? Am I living the life that best enables me to continue down the road to where I was meant to go? The hardest part is then getting up the courage to make the changes required, whether it’s going for a run and a bike ride or getting out of a relationship that has grown too confining.

I’ve also called this “finding my original me.” Sometimes, life takes us off track, and we have to work to find our way back…or forward!

But the pain and work are worth it. As the soup heated up on a rainy end-of-summer day, the warm glow of the kitchen shining on my happy girls, my heart light and smiling, I knew in my soul that all that pain and hard work was worth it. And even the song sounded different to me this time.

For a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself.

But—phew!—then I found myself! I found my original me!

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11 Responses to For a Minute There, I Lost Myself

  1. DanaB September 12, 2012 at 8:49 am #

    This post definitely resonates with me (as you know)! I love the idea of getting back to the ‘original’ you. So much plaque in life can build up on our spirits without us realizing it–but man is it brilliant when you get back to the heart of yourself.

  2. Hanna McCown September 12, 2012 at 8:59 am #

    Thank you Maria for saying it like that, so simple and brief but also so true. We really aren’t that different after all.

  3. James Early September 12, 2012 at 10:55 am #

    You tell a deep truth: it’s hard work to find one’s self amid all that the world screams at us to do and be. Thanks for being who you are and sharing it with us.

  4. Donna in Delaware September 13, 2012 at 11:14 pm #

    Yes, thank you for reminding me to really look into my life and ask myself these questions. I think that I know the answer, always have, but was too chicken to own up, stand up and grow up!

  5. Lisa September 14, 2012 at 9:12 pm #

    Just to let you know we’re all still out here taking this stuff in :)

  6. Stone September 16, 2012 at 10:25 pm #

    Maria thanks for sharing your moment. I’m an older military person who is experiencing those exact feelings (For a minute there, I lost myself). I have 14 days to decide, if I go back to Afghanistan to serve our country or do I leave the military to follow my passion of fitness. I’m looking inside myself to find the courage to find my way to my destined path.

  7. Brenda B September 19, 2012 at 10:35 am #

    Maria, thank you for speaking about “you”. The last couple of years I had realized that I had lost myself. I was out of rhythm with my own pace and after months of break downs I realized that I was the only one who could find my pace and myself again…and it’s been a much happier, peaceful and enlightening journey ever since. Peace + light!

  8. Amanda September 19, 2012 at 10:41 am #

    Simple and powerful words. Thank you, Maria. I still wonder at the best way to be happy with and live in the “now” while at the same time striving to make things better. They are such dichotomous states of being.

  9. Amy September 19, 2012 at 2:35 pm #

    Its great to know that I am not in this struggle alone, I am unsatisfied with my current career, not because I am bad at it but because of the constant wonder of is this what I should be doing? I found that by reading this and the post that I am just scared to take that defining step. I can not be scared and live in the what if world. Thanks for your positive words.

  10. Abby September 19, 2012 at 3:34 pm #

    This resonates all too clear. But I’m still on the other side of it – how do I find myself? How do I beat this?

  11. maria (farm country kitchen) September 28, 2012 at 7:29 am #

    Dear Abby (and everyone) — there is no one answer for everyone, only an answer for YOU. Therefore, you must embark on your own fearless journey to find your truth. It’s your own hero’s journey of yore! Talk to others, ask questions, read books, try new things, don’t be afraid of therapy, go out into nature and sit quietly and listen, listen, listen to that tiny voice inside your soul that knows EXACTLY what it desires for happiness. Then don’t be afraid to step towards your own happiness! Have faith in yourself and believe that you DESERVE happiness!

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